"Your scars are someone else's sign of hope"

Danielle Laporte

When I was 14, I was raped.

I'm 32 now and I am still struggling with these words. I am still learning to put a voice to it. In complete transparency, I've only said these words out loud twice (and only in the last few months). So, here is my way of bringing light to my darkness.

I have no memory of it. 

Time and alcohol have a funny way of doing that. What I do remember is being with my best friends laughing, dancing, twirling...until all there is is black. A deep void. Darkness. I was completely incoherent and I'm pretty sure I vomitted at some point. I remember crying and apologizing...over and over...because I was so embarrassed that I was that drunk. I was proud of being the smart, independent one. How could I let myself get so out of control?

The next morning, in my best friend's yellow tiled bathroom, I pulled down my undies and saw the blood. I knew right away that something had happened. And I laughed. I fucking laughed. I laughed because, at 14, I had no way to cope with the fact that some guy had forced some part of his body into my vagina. That somehow being unconscious and smelling like vomit wasn't enough to turn off some asshole with a hard on.

I would occasionally recount the event. Wow! That sounds so formal, so cold. For decades I barely thought about it. It's hard to describe. I buried it. I buried it so far that, truly, I never thought about it. There were moments, milliseconds, when the darkness would recognize its shadow in a friend's story, in a tv show, in a song, in a movie. But it would rescind as quickly as it appeared.

It wasn't until I read the Stanford victim's letter to her attacker. I was at work and came across the link on my Facebook feed. "Read it," my soul urged.

I was numb and wildly electric all at the same time. Hand to my mouth and tears in my eyes, I read her story. And just like that, the wound was fresh. Not only was it reopened, it was infected, oozing, septic, rotten, festering.

I instantly recognized all the areas in my life it had tainted. I finally understood why the feeling of my husband's hands on my sleeping body would literally make my skin crawl. I spent my teen years dating complete fucking assholes because I figured they were at least upfront about their inability to be decent human beings. I graduated from high school and college with a 4.0 because perfection became my subconscious way of compensating for my irresponsibility. You see, I still felt responsible  for getting raped.

Accountable.

And in the midst of my messy healing, the universe (God) provided a mirror reflection of what responsibility and accountability looks like...as a rapist.

The election (and its outcome) became a catalyst to my healing.

Let me explain. I thought, surely, after Donald Trump openly admitted boasted about sexually assaulting women, his campaign was over. Yet, 62 million people still voted him into office and here we are. His election made it blatantly clear:

You can be a man, sexually assault a woman, admit it, brag about it, and be elected President. President, people!! Let that sink in for a moment. 

While I spent two decades of my life fighting against a moment I can't even remember, this man consistently asserted himself onto women's vaginas. While I spent years trying to control every aspect of my life, this man flaunted his inability to control himself as a manly badge of honor. I lost my voice. He used his to continually degrade, violate, and disrespect women at every turn.

I was raped. I need to own the darkness. I need my voice to fill the void, to echo off its caverness and let love and beauty drape its expansive walls. I need to be unafraid that people will look at me differently, look at me with sadness, with pity. I will not be a victim to shame. I will no longer be small to avoid confrontation or because the world continually tries to remind me where a woman's place is. I did not admit to being raped because I thought it would make me look weak. I knew I would be judged for being drunk, for being irresponsible, for wearing a dress, for asking for it, for being a human with big breasts and a vagina woman. This is the sick, twisted shit normalizing sexual assault does. 

Only the weak ones get raped.

She was asking for it.

At least it wasn't "real" rape.

Bullshit.

I am a strong woman. I was strong at 14 and I am strong at 32. I regularly ask for things like empathy, compassion, human dignity, lots of cream in my coffee, keep the complaining to a minimum, stay out of the left lane if you're driving slow, be grateful, pick up your toys, kindness, and positivity. And there are not "degrees" of rape. When we start minimizing rape with technicalities we say your pain doesn't matter. We say your consent doesn't matter. You don't matter.

Life is fucking hard. Terrible things happen. It's easy to let it make you bitter and angry. It's easy to harden your heart, to stop trusting, and to believe the worst in people. The hard part is finding the courage to live. To love. To keep your heart open and to believe that the world is inherently good. 

So, I implore you to have courage. Find your voice. Everyone has a story.

What's yours?

ILLUMINATE

I LOVE You, Dearest lonely Child, standing in the rain

I FEEL You there, collapsing in, containing all that pain

 I SEE You, Dearest lonely Child, afraid to catch their eyes

You hide your Heart and dim Your Light, 

You wear your shy disguise

I KNOW You, Dearest lonely Heart, feeling so alone

Tapping into all that pain, thinking it's Your own

I LOVE You, Dearest lonely Child, I'll wipe away your tears

Every morning, waking up with overwhelm and fear

I LOVE You, Dearest Lovely Child, this isn't Yours to hold

Let Your Love and Light SHINE through

Let Your Heart be KNOWN

Do not hide Your Light, Dear Child, let that LOVE EXPAND

For when You SHINE, You RADIATE, ILLUMINATING lands

Your Heart is PURE, oh Shining One, 

Let Your VIBRANCE catch ablaze

IGNITING ALL the other ONES, UNITING in Your RAYS

Surrounding Earth within Your LIGHT, the many turn to ONE

It starts with just Your LOVING HEART

Now ALL the pain

UNDONE

💜💜💜

ReMember

Remember who YOU ARE

Infinite & Bright

Expanded in all directions

Luminous as the Sun

Celestial in origin 

A flowing current,
Subtle and profound

Piercing through all veils of illusion

Multidimensional, timeless, and all-pervading

The very Source of Life 

Shining upon ALL 

And warming Hearts with your Gifts of LOVE

THAT is Truth

THAT is who YOU ARE

Infinite

Boundless

The very spark of All Creation

Incarnated within one body

Residing within ALL

💜 Kaylin Otero 11/27/16

After the election I experienced racism and sexism at my school I was very emotional about everything that was being said. I went to one of my favorite teachers and she explained to me that I am not the only one who feels this way. Me and my teacher wanted change and wanted it fast so we decided to start this blog. After watching Maya Angelou "Still I Rise" I fell in love. My nana told me to read this poem that it'll make me feel better and it sure did.

 "Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. 

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   

But when I start to tell them, 

They think I’m telling lies. 

I say, 

It’s in the reach of my arms, 

The span of my hips,   

The stride of my step,   

The curl of my lips.   

I’m a woman 

Phenomenally. 

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me. 

I walk into a room 

Just as cool as you please,   

And to a man, 

The fellows stand or 

Fall down on their knees.   

Then they swarm around me, 

A hive of honey bees.   

I say, 

It’s the fire in my eyes,   

And the flash of my teeth,   

The swing in my waist,   

And the joy in my feet.   

I’m a woman 

Phenomenally. 

Phenomenal woman, 

That’s me. 

Men themselves have wondered   

What they see in me. 

They try so much 

But they can’t touch 

My inner mystery. 

When I try to show them,   

They say they still can’t see.   

I say, 

It’s in the arch of my back,   

The sun of my smile, 

The ride of my breasts, 

The grace of my style. 

I’m a woman 

Phenomenally. 

Phenomenal woman, 

That’s me. 

Now you understand 

Just why my head’s not bowed.   

I don’t shout or jump about 

Or have to talk real loud.   

When you see me passing, 

It ought to make you proud. 

I say, 

It’s in the click of my heels,   

The bend of my hair,   

the palm of my hand,   

The need for my care.   

’Cause I’m a woman 

Phenomenally. 

Phenomenal woman, 

That’s me." 

- Maya Angelou 

"Instructions for a Bad Day"

"...whether we see them or not – the sun and moon are still there and always there is light."

This Shane Koyczan spoken word video is on my go-to list for when I or someone I care about needs inspiration to get through a tough time.

He says many, many things I love in this video but one of my favorite few lines is: 

"Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to NOW will belong soon to THEN." 

Everything is temporary. 

"So speak and be heard. One word after the next, express yourself and put your life into context – if you find that no one is listening, be loud. Make noise. Stand in poise and be open. Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on. In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again. Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen. The deaf will hear you with their eyes. The blind will see you with their hands. Let your heart fill their newsstands, let them read all about it. Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights. Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but have come back. They’ll tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack despair, you can even wear your sorrow – but come tomorrow you must change your clothes."

Here is a link for the entire text of the poem: Shane Koyczan's "Instructions for a Bad Day" full text

Peace and love,

Dwenna

Be the Helper

Thinking about all the problems we are facing today is overwhelming and the question, “Where do I start?” can be crippling. Sometimes the simplest answer is the best one. I believe Lin-Manuel Miranda said it best when he said,

“And love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love, cannot be killed or swept aside”.

Love is the answer. I work in a hospital in Rochester, NY and I see the impact that love and acceptance have on my patients during their most vulnerable time. These people are in pain, scared, anxious, and uncertain of what will come next, as many of us are right now. While I cannot cure everyone or take away all their fears, I can listen. I have learned the value of listening to people and validating their feelings, regardless of whether or not I believe I can do something to change their outcome. People want to be heard. They want to be told that they matter, that you care what happens to them. Listen to people. It does not take long and it is something that everyone has the power to do. With so much hatred and ignorance in the world recently I have been reminded of Mr. Rogers saying,

 “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping”.

My goal is to be that helper. Be the person who listens, who validates, who accepts, and who loves. It only takes one person to start. Love is a powerful weapon that needs to be used now.

POEM TO THE INNER CHILD

POEM TO THE INNER CHILD

I will Love you, Little One, through all your darkest fears

I will hold you, Little One, through all your strongest tears

Your little Heart, so lonely, felt empty as it's grown 

But I will hold you, Little One, you'll never be alone

Let your Heart Shine, Little One, I'm beaming it with Love

Let your gorgeous smile return with Lightness from above

Dearest Little Lover, I'm an Angel sent back in time

To love you through your darkest fears and teach you how to Shine

So let me love you, Little One, you've waited for so long

Let the anger, fear, and grief be lifted from this song

The melody now left behind, purest as the Sun,

will fill each part of you with Light,

Reborn

Life's just begun